Politics

Tories to eradicate regional accents

THE Conservatives have promised to stamp out all confusing regional accents if elected for another term.

Britain draws straws over who has to talk to some Labour Party arsehole

BRITAIN is to draw straws after Labour pledged to bother four million people in the privacy of their own homes.

Chance of Russia starting global war only 40 per cent, world reassured

GEOPOLITICAL experts believe that the danger of Russia initiating a third world war within the next few months is scarcely more than one in three.

New Scottish Labour leader also made Tory leader

THE newly elected leader of Scottish Labour has also been named as leader of the Scottish Conservatives.

Easier to just assume someone from UKIP has said something offensive this week

BRITONS should save time reading news articles by assuming a UKIP politician has recently made some offensive remarks, it has been claimed.

Farage and Brand wake up in each other’s bodies

NIGEL Farage and Russell Brand have mysteriously swapped bodies after last night’s Question Time.

Reading about drugs made Ed Miliband have a whitey

ED MILIBAND thought his face was melting after reading about the effects of drug use for the first time.

Lib Dems cut off after single syllable

ATTEMPTS by the Liberal Democrats to outline their agenda have been aggressively shushed as soon as they began.