Potential Farage replacements included something that has never been out of its cellar

UKIP has decided to keep Nigel Farage as leader because his strongest rival was a humanoid known only as ‘Beast’.

Grant Shapps to join Wu-Tang Clan

GRANT Shapps has announced plans to join a rap group that actively encourages the use of multiple pseudonyms.

New cabinet fails initial ‘wave and look normal’ test

DAVID Cameron’s cabinet ministers have proved themselves unable to smile and wave like functioning humans.

Lib Dem MPs to form rural puppet theatre company

THE remaining Liberal Democrat MPs are to tour the country in a people carrier re-engaging voters via a hard-hitting puppet show.

Milistone thrown open to vandals

ED Miliband’s pledge tablet has been made available to anyone wanting to try their hand at obscene graffiti.

Lying to opinion polls is great fun, say voters

BRITAIN’S voters have revealed that lying about who they will vote for is hugely enjoyable.

Miliband hit on head by falling Russian spacecraft

ED Miliband has been knocked unconscious by a three-tonne Russian spacecraft which fell out of orbit.

Britain in uncontrollable schadenfreude orgy

ED Balls, George Galloway, UKIP and Vince Cable have left Britain drained after an orgy of schadenfreude.