Brexiters compare Great Repeal Bill to their bollocks version of history

BREXIT supporters have compared the ‘Great Repeal Bill’ to the Magna Carta and other momentous historical events they do not understand.

Passionate Brexiters are insisting the first legislative stage of exiting the EU is a pivotal moment in their made-up version of British history.

Roy Hobbs, from Stevenage, said: “Today we have broken free from European tyranny, like in 1066 when King Harold recaptured Stonehenge from the Vikings.

“The Repeal Bill is more significant than even the Magna Carta, which invented the idea of laws and turned us into a great homeowning nation by allowing every Englishman to buy a shed.

“Let’s not forget Britain was responsible for every major advance in human history, including fire, ships and the internet.

“What has Europe ever invented? Cheese and mime.”

Emma Bradshaw, from Nottingham, added: “This is exactly the same as when Britain saved Europe, Russia and America from the Nazis. If we did all that and still found time to beat the Chinese, then Brexit should be a piece of piss.”

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Southern Rail improves dramatically after work experience kid takes charge

SOUTHERN Rail’s punctuality has improved by 68 percent after the franchise was taken over by a 16-year-old on work experience.

The nation’s least popular mode of transport after the catapult is now in the hands of Nathan Muir, who quickly confirmed he was infinitely better at it than Southern’s previous bosses.

Muir said: “I needed something to do other than masturbating all summer. Southern Rail asked if I knew anything about trains and I told them I used to have a Hornby toy set, which impressed them so much they started calling me ‘maestro’.

“On my first morning, I fired all the managers, replaced them with passenger representatives, and restarted talks with the unions.

“Then after lunch, I cut ticket prices, ended the policy of terminating services in a field, and installed free WiFi in every carriage.”

Muir added: “The WiFi will only let you watch porn and MMA, but I’m open to suggestions.”