Brown Unveils Radical Package Of Lies And Bullshit
GORDON Brown today pledged to cut Britain's deficit with a radical package of outright lies.
The prime minster said government departments would achieve £12bn in efficiency savings over the next three years in a move that economists stressed was simply not true.
In a memo to Whitehall permanent secretaries, Mr Brown said: "Bring in your own light bulbs, whenever possible use second-hand milk and above all, no new pens until 2014."
But Roy Hobbs, chief economist at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: "Could it be that Mr Brown believes that the lies themselves have some sort of monetary value and that every time he says something untrue the deficit is reduced? Perhaps he thinks he's taking part in some sort of 'sponsored lie'.
"That's the only reason I can think of as to why he would resort to 'efficiency savings' which, as any three year-old child will tell you, is the world's oldest and most insulting piece of bullshit."
Meanwhile chancellor Alistair Darling is to set out a series of far-reaching measures designed to restructure Britain's multi-trillion pound financial industry around queuing at the Post Office to buy a premium bond and keeping badly stained tenners in a Cadbury's Heroes tin.
A Treasury spokesman said: "By imposing new taxes on the banks we will soon stop them from cluttering up central London with their large, unwieldy headquarters.
"At the same time we will be able to keep the stockmarket value of the Royal Bank of Scotland at a realistic level rather than get involved in the sort of unrestrained and irresponsible sums that would ensure taxpayers got their money back before they all died."