The Conservative Party will fight the next election promising to reintroduce the public strangling of traffic wardens and the legalisation of environmentally-friendly goat sex. 

Time to drag goat-sex into the 21st century

Other measures will include reform of the "outdated and catch-all" laws of perjury to allow senior members of the Tory party to lie in court.

There will also be indefinite detention and hard labour without trial for anyone who does not look "quite right".

The Tory leader said: "If people want to speak up for the right to lie down and have sex with goats, who am I to argue?"

However, Mr Cameron did rule out the legalisation of same-sex or underage goat intercourse. "We are the party of the family," he said. "We'll leave perversion to the Lib Dems."

Other popular Tory online manifesto commitments include:

• A complete ban on fat people in public places, except Fatty Soames.

• Instant deportation for anyone caught "acting European".

• A new form of particularly cruel and unusual execution because "hanging is actually too good for them".

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