the dailymash

The Tory leader commissioned inventor James Dyson to build him a set of 36FF hydraulic breasts with a dual cyclone action and a centrifugal milk pump capable of feeding 40 babies an hour.

He will use the giant artificial bosom to suckle the nation’s infants while singing lullabies designed to encourage hard work, thrift and green living.

Mr Cameron said: “Milky breasts are not sexual playthings to be pawed at and ogled by perverts from Japan. Nor are they ‘fun-bags’ for men to place their heads between and go wibble, wibble, wibble.

“Breasts are the reason I joined this party.They are at the heart of a modern, caring Conservatism that believes in nipples and is relaxed and comfortable around these incredible glands and their wonderful life-giving secretions.”

Mr Cameron said he was sorry he could not provide his own ‘man milk’ to feed the infants and that he would use liquid pumped from the breasts of the mothers themselves, or from a tanker filled with formula provided by Unilever®.

He will also leave behind leaflets about some of Britain's best independent schools and advice about early actions every mother should take, such as putting the child down for Eton or Winchester.