The Scottish Socialist Party has launched its manifesto for the Holyrood elections with the promise of free milk and honey for all and 10 per cent off the complete speeches of Fidel Castro on CD.*

Gherkins free, if available

At the same time it pledged itself to a huge boost in secret police numbers saying it would employ at least one snoop for every 50 private citizens in Scotland.

It also committed itself to a minimum ten-year waiting list for a new car, the construction of a big wall somewhere, and the introduction of long queues outside bakers shops.

Party leader Colin Fox said: “People are sick of out of control capitalism which is wasteful and destructive of the environment.

“What they want is the removal of all consumer choice, and nothing to eat but pickled gherkins, when available. And we are the only party who can provide this.”

THOSE SSP MANIFESTO COMMITMENTS IN FULL...

• PENSIONS: Retirement age for party leaders to be raised to 103
• HEALTH: Free embalming and mausoleum for all dead socialist heroes
• ECONOMY: Kulaks to be liquidated, or at least roughed up a little
• YOUNG PEOPLE: To spy on parents and report 'unsocialistic' activities
• CLIMATE CHANGE: All Gulags to be carbon neutral by 2015

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