the dailymash

Writing in the Waitrose customer magazine, John Prescott said politics was often like preparing a meal for a family of four on a busy weeknight.

He added: "It's not easy. Not everyone likes sausages. Or Chinese. But don't worry 'cause here comes Captain Birdseye, he'll know what to do.

"Sure enough him and his crew of tiny pirates have great big treasure chests full of fish fingers, or perhaps a nice battered cod for the grown ups.

"And if the fish wasn't defrosted properly and someone spends the next two days on the shitter, it's hardly the Captain's fault, is it?

"In fact, if you're bent over double with the world falling out of yer arse, the last thing you want to do is get rid of the Captain, what with him being an expert on fish-based diarrhea and such.

"But if you want to ditch the best skipper this crew of tiny pirates has ever had and spend your money on Findus Crispy Pancakes then be my guest, you stuck-up Tory bastards."

Political observers believe Mr Prescott may have been confused and had instead meant to compare the prime minister to Captain Haddock from the TinTin books, or possibly Captain Caveman.