Duncan Smith Vows To Make Daytime TV Less Compelling

UNMISSABLE daytime shows like Bargain Hunt will be replaced by footage of rotating cheese in the government’s latest bid to make work pay.

Giving it trophies only encourages it

Work and pensions secretary, Iain Duncan-Smith, said terrestrial television channels will be fined for showing anything other than silent, coldly-lit film of some dairy produce on a spindle between 9am and 5pm.

He added: “Loose Women, Bargain Hunt, films with Ernest Borgnine in – truly daytime television is the manna of the workshy, a rusty nail in the bicycle tyre of UK industry.

“These measures are radical but fair. The rotating cheese will drive ghastly, bloated scum to the job centre while providing more-than-adequate entertainment for pensioners.”

Mr Duncan-Smith made special mention of the quiz show Going For Gold, stressing that if necessary the government would seek a high court injuction to prevent it making a comeback in any form whatsoever.

Unemployed Emma Bradford, from Halifax, said: “There was a time when I loved nothing more than to spend my afternoons watching one of the many documentaries about chimpanzees being inoculated.

“But actually, you know, it’s surprising how interesting a lump of slowly spinning cheddar can be. It’s sort of hypnotic and restful, like the old test card with the girl and the toy clown.

She added: “It’s obviously more entertaining than Denise Welch and, I suspect, does not smell as strongly of cheese.”