Economy doing brilliantly if you compare it to 28 Days Later, says Hammond

BRITAIN’S economy is thriving in comparison to the virus-ravaged world depicted in the film 28 Days Later, Philip Hammond has announced.

Despite UK growth lagging behind all major economies, the chancellor focused on positive news such as cities not being eerily deserted and no one being eaten by zombies.

In his spring statement, Hammond said: “Society hasn’t broken down completely with dead bodies everywhere, which shows austerity has been a success.

“Compared to 28 Days Later the economy is booming. Hospitals are still open, the electricity’s still on and there’s no widespread looting. What more do people want?

“Above all we haven’t infected the population with a deadly monkey virus that makes them go into a murderous psychotic rage. I think that’s my greatest achievement as chancellor.

“People really need to buck up and say, ‘At least no one’s ripped out my intestines today.’

“Obviously things will get a lot worse after Brexit but you still won’t have to board up your windows to keep out ‘the infected’, so people should keep voting Conservative.”

Hammond then made an incredibly lame joke calling the Labour party “the only zombies around here”, at which Tory MPs appeared to wet themselves.