God we bloody hate the Lib Dems, say Tory backbenchers

A RECORD number of Tory MPs last night said the Lib Dems are a bunch of homos.

'I love bottoms'

David Cameron faced the biggest rebellion of his premiership as more than 80 of his backbenchers voted for a motion which said Vince Cable wears lipstick and dances around in frilly underpants.

Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, MP for Worthing East, said: “He tried to touch my bum. I fought him off but he had this wild look in his eye that seemed to say, ‘I will take you, roughly’.

“I am not a homophobe, I just don’t want some Lib Dem fancy boy peering at my John Thomas every time I go for a tinkle.”

Martin Bishop, who earlier resigned as Theresa May’s unpaid cupholder, said: “Lib Dems do not share my British values. They like being with naked men.

“That’s fine, but they have no right to drug me, bungle me into the back of their van and then make me do weird, mucky things while they video it and then threaten to put it on YouTube.

“We need to repatriate our democracy from these deviants, perhaps through some sort of national voting thing.”

Polls say more than 40% of Britons back the rebels, with many claiming a Lib Dem comes round their house once a week and asks if he can sort their cucumbers.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “He stood there in my kitchen saying ‘this cucumber is too wide’ and then he licked his lips. I fainted dead away.

“And he’s always asking to borrow money. But I keep telling him, ‘you think you’re bad with money, you should see my overdraft’.

“‘You stupid poof’.”