Good things better than bad things, says Miliband

THERE should be more good things and less bad things, Ed Miliband will announce today.

Mr Miliband will also be road-testing his new man-of-destiny face

The Labour leader will tell his party conference he has thought ‘long and hard’ about the difference and has decided that good things are better.

In his second annual announcement about the good things and the bad things, Mr Miliband will say: “Do we want to live in a country where bad things happen to good people? That doesn’t sound right to me.

“Meanwhile, I’ve discovered there are people in Britain who really aren’t very nice at all and so I think the bad things should be happening to them. Who’s with me?”

Pledging ‘a new thing for Britain’, Mr Miliband will say that Labour can win the next election if they can get just enough people to agree that everything should be really good all the time.

“For instance, have you noticed that some of the things on television aren’t very good? Surely there should only be good things on television? And lots of great adverts with nice music that you remember the next day.”

He will also call on supermarkets to make sure all the food in their shops is the sort of stuff that everyone likes and that things should not be so expensive, especially for nice people.

And he will say that looters, hackers and expenses fraudsters are all bad people and it is about time some of them were exposed, arrested and imprisoned for a change.

“In this day and age decent people who have not hacked, looted or frauded should not be going to jail. It’s a disgrace is what it is.”

Mr Miliband will also say that wealth creators are good and asset strippers are bad, but probably won’t give too many concrete examples because it is actually quite difficult to tell the difference.