Government 'wasted thousands on swearing consultants'

03-10-12

MINISTERS hired costly experts to develop their swearing skills, it has emerged.

You just...um...shit off...

In an attempt to mimic the creative cursing of BBC2′s The Thick of It, the government paid Fuckpebbles Solutions £56,546 for a one-day workshop entitled ‘Become A Profanity Ninja’.

Leaked whiteboard pads reveal the pitiful results of the session, with ineffectual terms like ‘penis man’, ‘big bum’ and ‘we’re all in poo’ scribbled in permanent marker.

A coalition spokesman said: “Verbally agile television satire has raised the Whitehall swearing bar.

“A simple expletive is no longer enough – the public wants and deserves elegant obscene phrases and innovative portmanteau swear words like ‘knobagaeddon’.”

Labour MP Tom Logan: “The results of the session are, for want of a better word, shit.

“Great swearing doesn’t come from brainstorming and ‘ideas showers’. It comes from the heart.”

Fuckpebbles Solutions CEO Emma Bradford said: “The most important part of what we do is teaching that there’s ‘no such thing as bad swearing’. Participants role play various fuck-ups in a mutually supportive environment.

“Our sessions have birthed phrases like ‘beaten senseless with a dog’s cock’, ‘horizontal shit-storm’ and ‘dickwich’ – ie when a politician has to eat several metaphorical penises at once.”

 

 

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