Government ‘wasted thousands on swearing consultants’

MINISTERS hired costly experts to develop their swearing skills, it has emerged.

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In an attempt to mimic the creative cursing of BBC2’s The Thick of It, the government paid Fuckpebbles Solutions £56,546 for a one-day workshop entitled ‘Become A Profanity Ninja’.

Leaked whiteboard pads reveal the pitiful results of the session, with ineffectual terms like ‘penis man’, ‘big bum’ and ‘we’re all in poo’ scribbled in permanent marker.

A coalition spokesman said: “Verbally agile television satire has raised the Whitehall swearing bar.

“A simple expletive is no longer enough – the public wants and deserves elegant obscene phrases and innovative portmanteau swear words like ‘knobagaeddon’.”

Labour MP Tom Logan: “The results of the session are, for want of a better word, shit.

“Great swearing doesn’t come from brainstorming and ‘ideas showers’. It comes from the heart.”

Fuckpebbles Solutions CEO Emma Bradford said: “The most important part of what we do is teaching that there’s ‘no such thing as bad swearing’. Participants role play various fuck-ups in a mutually supportive environment.

“Our sessions have birthed phrases like ‘beaten senseless with a dog’s cock’, ‘horizontal shit-storm’ and ‘dickwich’ – ie when a politician has to eat several metaphorical penises at once.”