Half Of MPs Lie Their Way Out Of Repaying Expenses

HALF of all MPs will be forced to repay expenses while the other half have somehow managed to lie their way out of it, according to a report published today.

Tony McNulty's constituency office now does kung po chicken

Auditor Sir Thomas Legg said around 350 members will return at least some of the money they stole while another 300 had given him a variety of very convincing reasons for not doing so.

He added: "Many have developed a chronic allergy to financial transactions and their throats will close up if they are in the same room as a cheque book, while in recent months a large number of MPs' constituency offices seem to have become Chinese restaurants.

"In the case of four MPs we found that they didn't actually exist and were just the 'shop front' for an off-the-shelf company based in the Turks and Caicos Islands.

"In addition more than 100 members have been assaulted by a large black man in a deserted car park at one o'clock in the morning and had all their bank accounts stolen, meanwhile at least two dozen have been turned into statues by a witch."

Labour backbencher Bill McKay said: "The big black fella came at me from behind, grabbing me by the throat and mumbling something about Ned Beatty in Deliverance.

"My pig impersonation has never been up to snuff and so I immediately handed over my wallet, my bank accounts and the keys to my house, my other house and the house I actually live in."

Conservative backbencher Sir Denys Finch-Hatton added: "I will not be paying back any money as I have a note from my doctor saying I'm dead. Good day."