the dailymash

Members from all parties said the rules were a grubby, disgusting little scat-muncher and pledged a wide-ranging inquiry into how the system was somehow able to vote itself into existence in the first place.

As Labour proposed an independent audit committee in its latest deliberate attempt to miss the fucking point, MPs spoke openly about how they had been abused repeatedly by the expenses system.

Barbara Follet, the millionaire Labour MP married to a millionaire author, said it was 'outrageous' that she had been forced to defend her millionaire decision to buy three pairs of matching trainers for her pet fly.

Follett added: "He is a size six, he just happens to have very big feet for his age. And anyway, it's the system that's a repulsive, grasping turd on legs, not me."

Meanwhile the Conservatives were under the spotlight today after it was revealed the system had forced them to claim for lots of really posh stuff.

Shadow health secretary Andrew Lansley used taxpayers' money to buy a Laura Ashley sofa, while policy chief Oliver Letwin claimed for repairs to his tennis court, his Aga cooker and his big brass cock-ring.

Mr Letwin said: "It's very important for my constituents that I am able to prance around feeling the most exquisite pain in my semi-erect penis. The system is so depraved, isn't it?"

But members of the public were quick to dismiss claims about the system as 'mind-buggeringly insulting horseshit' as it emerged that every MP is to get a £25,000 a year security allowance in a desperate bid to stop you kicking their teeth in.

Emma Bradford, from Harrow, said: "I'd like to designate him as as my 'second MP', just for a couple of weeks, so that I can claim twelve grand to have him refurbished and then sell him to some really nasty Russian pimps."

Roy Hobbs, from Oldham, said: "I'd like to buy one of those four-slot Dualit toasters from John Lewis and spank him across the face with it so hard that I break both my wrists."

And Tom Logan, from Salford, added: "If you know that it's wrong now, then surely you knew it was wrong when you were spending my money doing up houses you bought with my money and then dodging capital gains tax even though you'd still have made a tidy profit and would, at least, have been able to return some of my money. You nauseatingly rancid lump of pox-ridden, cock-sucking pigshit."

Constitutional expert Denys Finch-Hatton said there was now an outside chance the scandal could inflict some limited damage on the reputation of the House of Commons adding: "I suspect that from now on Westminster may become known as the 'Motherfucker of Parliaments'."