Kill The Poor, Says Cameron
THE Conservatives have pledged to bring in a new law guaranteeing the right to kill poor people, foreigners and socialists.
Party leader David Cameron said too many hard-working, middle-class families were being criminalised just because they want to slaughter everyone who is not exactly the same as them.
Mr Cameron said that if the Tories win the next election they will close a loophole in the current legislation which makes it illegal to murder someone who is either brown, earns less than £35,000 a year or supports secondary picketing.
He added: "The £35,000 rule was imposed on this country by the European Convention on Human Rights. We will introduce a bill reinstating the ancient right, enshrined in Magna Carta, to dispose of the disproportionately ghastly."
A party spokesman explained how the legislation would work: "If you come across a poor person you don't like very much – perhaps they smell of cheap meat, or mispronounce 'Val d'Isère' – then you'll be able to thrust an axe into the middle of their chest or whack them on the back of the head with a nice, heavy Le Creuset griddle pan.
"Then all you need to do is bundle them into the boot of your car, drag them into your house, slip some old tights on their head and leave them sprawled across the rug as if you happened upon them in the middle of the night while they were rifling through your grandmother's cutlery decanter."
He added: "A nice touch may be to force a valuable necklace or a solid silver candlestick into one of their stiff, chubby, unwashed little hands."
The party has also promised to make the new law retrospective so that Douglas Hogg can finally get round to dredging his moat.