Labour Big Guns Claim Gordon Brown Is Still Prime Minister
LABOUR was dealt a blow today as two senior party figures claimed Gordon Brown was still prime minister.
Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt sent shockwaves through Westminster after writing to Labour MPs saying that not only was Mr Brown still running the country but that it was only a matter of time before other people found out.
The statement said: "As we move towards a general election the Parliamentary Labour Party remains deeply divided over the question of who is prime minister. We discovered yesterday that it's Gordon Brown.
"Unfortunately too many Labour MPs continue to insist otherwise and we have therefore come to the conclusion that the only way to resolve this issue is to hold a secret ballot so that they can see his name printed on an actual piece of paper.
"Perhaps then they will accept the reality and we can all rally round and move forward under a new leader like Steve, or Jim, or old Billy Whatsisface from Stoke."
But Margaret Beckett attacked her former cabinet colleagues, adding: "As we embark on a challenging election campaign, pointing out that Gordon Brown is still prime minister does nothing to help the Labour Party."
Backbencher Martin Bishop said: "I've just claimed fourteen grand for election leaflets which make it very clear that Gordon Brown does not exist. Am I going to get my money back?"
Speculation has been building for months over who was running Britain, with many claiming it was Joanna Lumley, Twitter or whoever is in charge of buying UK government bonds at Goldman Sachs.
But a Downing Street spokesman confirmed Mr Brown was the prime minister, adding: "Oh, it's been at least a couple of years now."
Across Britain, ordinary voters were surprised to hear Mr Brown was still Labour leader, with many assuming he had been detained under section four of the Mental Health Act after claiming to be Spiderman.
Denys Finch-Hatton, a retired accountant from York, said: "Is he really? Good lord. I thought it was Peter Mendelssohn or that chap with the fancy hat. Does it really matter?"