the dailymash

Harriet Harman is now convinced she can lead Labour to a recovery in the polls, despite being described as the sort of eye-gougingly dreadful harridan who makes you want to shoot yourself twice just to make sure.

According to Labour sources, the party's deputy leader has been interrupting conversations around Westminster all week to tell people: "this is my moment".

One senior backbencher said: "I was having a piss - a piss, mind you - and I feel this tap on my shoulder.

"I turn my head - still pissing - and there's Harriet, about half an inch away from my nose. She stares at me intently, whispers 'this is my moment' and then she's gone."

He added: "I think Harriet would be a terrific leader and those who dismiss her as a patronising, talentless bag of vomit who would lead the Labour Party out of existence, are only half right."

Harman is now taking soundings and ignoring all those who say they will move to Iran and urge it to launch a nuclear attack on Britain if she become prime minister.

Meanwhile foreign secretary David Miliband has denied launching a leadership bid after writing an article for the Guardian under the headline, "Fuck off back to Kirkcaldy, you psycho bastard".