Lib Dems Promise Hand Jobs And Ice Cream

16-09-08

EVERYONE will get a bowl of luxurious vanilla ice cream and a nice, long hand job when the Lib Dems take power, the party agreed yesterday.

Not for eating ice cream

In a compromise with left wingers leader Nick Clegg said poor people would get an extra dollop of ice cream and their hand jobs would be very intense towards the end with perhaps even a bit of dirty talk.

Clegg outlined plans for thousands of large tubs of Carte D'Or and a national hand job network paid for by 'closing loopholes, lots of loopholes'.

He said: "Britain is a fair society and I have no doubt the wealthy will be glad to give cheerful hand relief to a confused old man or a low skilled immigrant.

"We could provide blindfolds and latex gloves, but I think most people will quickly come to cherish these sessions and the lifelong friendships that will be forged in the heat of an eye-popping climax."

He added: "Perhaps they could even feed each other ice cream while the hand job is taking place."

Meanwhile Clegg has also pledged to consult with the party's female activists and MEPs about the best way of giving hand jobs to ladies.

Both Labour and the Conservatives last night attacked the proposal claiming Clegg would leave Britain bankrupt and covered in a sticky mess.

But a party spokesman defended the policy, adding: "We're the Lib Dems – what does it fucking matter?"

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