ONCE again, the Daily Mash books you a front row seat to history in the actual making. Today Gordon Brown delivers his last ever speech to a Labour conference. Will it be really great, or will everyone start shouting 'get off, you jowly freak'? We'll bring you minute by minute highlights as we try to stay with it, all the way through to the end...

By the way, before we start - what's going on with Andrew Neil's face? It looks like it's been submerged in a bucket of hot tea.

2.20: Doesn't Mrs Prime Minister have big charlies?

2.22: Mrs Prime Minister - My husband is very 'different'.

2.26: The prime minister steps up to the podium. This is it. Nice tie. Not at all gay.

2.27: Isn't the Labour Party awful?

2.29: 'Let's be very clear: None of this is my fault'.

2.30: 'I have, however, had a virus. The doctor says it's proabably glandular. I've been taking these Gingko Ginseng things but I don't know if they're working'

2.31: 'I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses'.

2.31: 'I deal my own deck, sometimes the ace sometimes the deuces'.

2.32: 'It's one life and there's no return and no deposit. One life so it's time to open up your closet. Life's not worth a damn till you can shout out "I am what I am"'.

2.33: Prime minister says he gets angry at victims of crime - 'you make me sick, pull yourself together for Christ's sake'.

2.35: People of Britain 'not arseholes' says PM

2.39: 'I'm going to America. Do you want me to get you anything?'

2.40:  'Too many Chinese' claims Brown

2.42: Calls for international tagets for the reduction of Chinese.

2.43: Creepy smile.

2.43: Pledges extra investment so you can leave your elderly parents in a windowless room that smells of death.

2.45: Pledges £1bn of childcare to be funded by tax rises in George Osborne's first Budget.

2.47: More about fairness. Seems terribly keen on fairness.

2.48: What an unbearably tedious man. Let's have a look at The Jeremy Kyle Car Crash on ITV2 shall we?

2.49: 'Son, if you stay with your fiance you're out my life!'

2.49: 'How dare you call my girlfriend a slapper!' Quite right. Stupid, ghastly cow.

2.50: Christ, you should see this women. She looks like Jonathan King in a dirty blonde wig.

2.51: Mum accused of giving son his first cannabis cigarette. Jeremy is FURIOUS!

2.52: The mother has walked off. She's just walked off. Unbelievable.

2.54: **Brown Update** Vouchers for poor children to learn about the fascinating world of online Bulgarian pornography.

2.55: The mother's back on stage. But oh no, here comes the teenage slapper and she's going mental.

2.59: **Brown Update** Tells eye story. Again.

3.01: Jeremy Kyle reveals himself to be a wise, wonderful man.

3.07: **Brown Update** 'No-one is entitled to fairness for nothing. Britain is something or it is nothing. No-one for something. The future is somewhere. Fairness. Somethingness. Nothingness. Britain.'

3.11: Back to Jeremy - Man sleeps with stepdaughter. JACKPOT!

3.12: Jeremy - 'When you love somebody you'll make any excuse'. Unless you're married to them and they have sex with your daughter on the kitchen floor, obviously.

3.16: Husband now on stage. Looks like Albert Steptoe. He's unemployed, apparently.

3.17: Jeremy is FURIOUS!

3.20: **Brown Update** 'Britain isn't broken, I just don't know how to work it'.

3.21: **Brown Update** 'Get off, you jowly freak!'

3.22: Glenys Kinnock seems to have burst.

3.26:  Brown's finished. Finally. Jesus. Meanwhile stepdaughter sex guy says he can 'change'. Yeah right. Sling yer hook. Pervert.

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