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Man violently opposed to EU because of problems with women

A MAN is opposed to the European Union because it has turned women into feminists who will not go out with him.

Tom Booker, from Stevenage, has linked the EU to a series of unhappy romantic incidents, particularly women telling him they only like him as a friend.

Co-worker Emma Bradford said: “Tom blames his romantic problems on feminism, rather than fancying women who are out of his league or obviously insane.

“He thinks that if we got rid of everything that might be vaguely liberal then women would all turn into obedient, 1950s housewives.

“Also, he reckons Match.com was set up by the European Regional Development Fund to destroy British manhood.”

Booker said: “Women are so demanding these days and I’m sure they’re getting it from Angela Merkel.

“Meanwhile our EU membership has also led to a huge influx of Romanian and Bulgarian women who all seem to be lesbians.”

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The 15 things you should own to be working class

HOW working class are you? The 15 household items only the working classes own (one point for each):

1. Samurai sword, hung above fireplace in case of return to Bushido law

2. Android smart phone with Greggs Rewards app on homepage

3. Dog named after sportsperson or fictional sportsperson

4. Fantastic array of expensive electronic toys that any middle-class child would kill to play with, ignored for football

5. Digital picture frame showing slideshow of kids, other people’s kids, cars, dog as above, mate’s stag night inc. nudity

6. Books, but not making a big deal about it

7. Televisions in ratio of 1.2 per room

8. Hand-waxed gleaming Toyota Hilux pick-up truck

9. Paved front lawn so Toyota Hilux can be parked and admired directly outside window

10. Oversized Sports Direct mug

11. Both colours of sauce

12. Ashtray

13. Fancy ashtray for guests

14. Dyson kept openly in hall, because there’s no shame in being clean

15. Two adult children, both driving £30,000 cars

And the five things no self-respecting working class family should have (minus one point for each):

Old furniture

Breadmaker

Board game The Settlers of Catan

A record player

Overachieving children desperately trying to earn their parents’ love but never filling the emptiness inside

How did you score?

15-10: You are the workingest working class, with the pride and body type of a bulldog. Truly you are the salt of the earth, to the extent that your mere touch dehydrates things.

10-5: Middle working class, with aspirational tendencies. Your Tony Parsons books and occasional purchase of smoothies could lead you on a dark path to middle England.

5-0: Always sucking up to the bosses and laughing at their golf jokes, you cross picket lines on a weekly basis and nobody will pass you the mic during karaoke.

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