Miliband Pissed The Bed When He Was 15, Says Other Miliband

LABOUR leadership challenger Ed Miliband pissed the bed when he was 15, David Miliband said yesterday.

Teddy got a bit wet

At the official launch of his leadership campaign Mr Miliband said his parents had to throw out his younger brother’s mattress because it was so completely saturated with urine.

He told supporters in his South Shields constituency: “While we felt really sorry for him, we simply could not believe the sheer quantity he had produced.

“He must have been pissing non-stop for about an hour. His teddy bear was absolutely soaked.

“My parents were a bit annoyed because that mattress was only a couple of years old. They’d had to buy a new one after the ‘3am diarrhea incident’. Sorry, did I not mention that?”

Calling for the party to move on from the New Labour era, Mr Miliband added: “And of course to save us from having to buy yet another mattress, he had to sleep on top of a rubber sheet. In fact I’m pretty sure he still does.

“But despite his horrible, horrible problem, I’m sure Ed would be a brilliant Labour leader – and ultimately prime minister of this country – as long as he doesn’t have to make any decisions, because that does tend to be what triggers it off.

“And, at the end of the day, he’s my brother, I love him dearly and I’d hate to see him standing outside Number 10, clutching his teddy bear with piss gushing out the bottom of his trousers.”

Last night a source close to Ed Miliband insisted his brother would also make a brilliant Labour leader as long as everyone was okay with the fact that he spent most of 1983 in the downstairs toilet with a tube sock and a picture of David Hasselhoff.