Most Etonians Incredibly Well Educated, Say Experts

MOST of the people who went to Eton are much, much better educated than most of the people who went to school in Kirkcaldy, experts said last night.

Kirkcaldy High School taught Brown how to fuck a perfectly good country into the middle of next week

As Gordon Brown mined a fresh seam of desperation, educationalists stressed that the parents of Etonians did not pay £30,000 a year to have a moron handed back to them.

During prime minster's questions yesterday Mr Brown set out the battle lines for the general election by claiming that David Cameron wants you to warm his toilet seat, fetch him a glass of brandy and then wank him off into a chamber pot.

Mr Brown said: "The Leader of the Opposition is all like this, 'fwah, fwah, fwah, who's up for a jolly bit of tuck before prep?'"

To cheers from the Labour benches he added: "And then he's all like, 'shall we have a midnight feast after lights out and see who's got the biggest grouse moor?' Mr Speaker, that's totally what he's like, isn't it?"

But Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Old Etonians come in all shapes and sizes. For example, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall eats placenta and seems to be in love with a chicken.

"Damian Lewis and Dominic West pretend to be working class American policemen for a living while David Cameron and Zac Goldsmith are almost certainly a couple of fannies.

"But they can all point to Bangladesh on a map and construct a proper English sentence.

"Most people who went to school in Kirkcaldy can't point to Kirkcaldy on a map and communicate by grinding broken bottles into each other's faces."

He added: "If you absolutely insist on having a go at posh people then do so on the basis of their terrifyingly shallow gene pool, absurd trousers and insatiable bloodlust. Don't point out how well-educated they are."