MPs using jail to avoid electorate

MANY more MPs are expected to admit fraud in a bid to get away from whining, busy-body constituents.

Illsley will use his MP's salary to buy off sex-hungry maniacs

Freshly convicted Labour MP Eric Ilsley is said to be looking forward to several months amongst a population that has no idea who he is or what he and his party has utterly failed to do for the last 15 years.

The parliamentary prison population is now expected to swell, leading to the creation of a convict gang called ‘The Backbenchers’ who will terrorise institutions with a regime of long-winded speeches and utter fucking lies.

Potato peeler and former MP, David Chaytor, said: “Wandsworth’s full of morally bankrupt lunatics willing to stab their colleagues for half a chunky Kit Kat. That said, there is slightly less anal sex.”

He added: “We’ve created a safe haven for politicians, free from the incessant harping of journalists and constituents. Who’s going to accuse you of being a lazy, two-faced, thieving shit in a place like this?

“And an unexpected bonus is that these chap’s views on immigration and paedophiles would be viewed as robustly fruity, even by Anne Widdecombe. If this place had a decent restaurant I’d never leave.”

Wandsworth governor Roy Hobbs said: “Prisoner 547219 has already tried it on with me by claiming double bedsheet allowance for his regular cell and a ‘work’ cell that he says he needs because it’s nearer to the kitchen.

“I’m also looking into claims he’s involved in a ‘snout for visitation rights’ scandal. It’s not like it used to be here – at least the rapists kept themselves to themselves.”