Osborne had fingers crossed the whole time
GEORGE Osborne unveiled a series of steps to avoid a further credit crunch from a set of notes with ‘chinny reckon’ written on them.
Corporate bond buyouts, cash supply to small businesses and writing threatening letters to Father Christmas were some of the measures planned which the chancellor has promised will just totally work for deffo this time.
Tory backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: “I was sat right next to the podium and he kept saying ‘schyeah, right’ at the end of each sentence and fiddling nervously with his car keys in his pocket.
“I could see the pages of his speech and there were all sorts of things crossed out like ‘buy loads of stuff on tick from Germany then refuse to pay’ and ‘sell Wales’.
“When he sat back down he had the look of a schoolboy that had just avoided handing in a 65-billion-word essay on the promise he’d left it at his nan’s house.”
Osborne’s offer of credit to thousands of small businesses will make Britain the first conservative-led communist state when the loans are inevitably defaulted and the government ends up owning and running everything.
The Bank of England has backed Osborne’s plans, confidently predicting they will work so long as we abandon the base 10 numerical system and hope that somebody finds a diamond the size of a wardrobe.
Osborne said the credit easing scheme would be listed in more detail in November’s pre-Budget report whilst his eyelid twitched uncontrollably.
He added “These moves will stop the British economy ending up like every single other one in the Western world for the simple reason that I’ll have crossed my heart and hope to die in a cellar full of rats if they don’t.”