Politics Headlines

DUP vows to end May's wild party lifestyle

THE Democratic Unionists plan to end Theresa May's hedonistic party lifestyle and turn her into a decent God-fearing Christian, they have announced.

Weasel really relates to Michael Gove

A WEASEL feels he can really identify with Michael Gove.

Inflation rises because Tories have f**ked up everything all at once

INFLATION is at almost three per cent because the Conservative government has fucked up the economy, public services and Brexit simultaneously. 

Don't look too human though, May told

THERESA May has been told to look slightly human but not too much.

Queen's speech delayed over whether cats are witches' familiars

THE QUEEN'S speech will be delayed while Democratic Unionists and Tories debate whether cats help witches cast spells against Christians.

Increasingly disturbed May trying to forge alliance with squirrels

THERESA May has been spotted in a park trying to coerce a squirrel into joining a coalition.

DUP deal to focus on Brexit, pensions and dinosaurs being a hoax

THE Democratic Unionist Party is ready to do a deal based on a 'soft' Brexit, a guarantee on state pensions and the total rejection of evolution.

May wondering exactly when it was she lost her mind

THERESA May has been pondering exactly when she changed from a competent, ambitious politician into a deranged Brexit crusader.