Politics Headlines

'I'm Your Private Dancer' Cameron Tells Voters

TORY leader David Cameron will attempt to revive his party's fortunes by telling voters he will do what they want him to do.

Blair Hires Scary Clown To Stalk Brown

TONY Blair has appointed a sinister clown to stalk Gordon Brown for the next two years in a bid to drive the Prime Minister "even further round the bend".

Scotland To Buy Second Hand Car With Own Money

FIRST minister Alex Salmond will today announce that Scotland is to get a part-time job and save up enough money to buy a car.

Douglas Alexander Gets Three As And Two Bs

DOUGLAS Alexander, the international development secretary, is celebrating an impressive set of exam scores although he had to wait an extra day to get them after problems with a new online results system.

Brown Still Sending Blair Abusive Emails

GORDON Brown is in regular contact with his predecessor Tony Blair through a relentless stream of angry, foul-mouthed emails.

Brown Gets Green-Light To Murder Enemies

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown will today begin a cull of his personal and political enemies after being given the go-ahead by the Crown Prosecution Service.

Cameron To Campaign For Sex With Goats

The Conservative Party will fight the next election promising to reintroduce the public strangling of traffic wardens and the legalisation of environmentally-friendly goat sex. 

Londoners 'Stink Of Eels' Says Boris Johnson

BORIS Johnson has kick-started his mayoral campaign by describing Londoners as 'ghastly, eel-breathed troglodytes'.