Rosa Klebb Wins Labour Deputy Contest

24-06-07

SMERSH assassin Rosa Klebb is the new deputy leader of the Labour Party after a closely fought contest in which she killed all of her rivals.

"Labour is and must remain the party of the family. And killing people."

Klebb's victory confounded the pundits who had written her off after she had threatened to poison anyone who got in the way of her mission.

The 56 year-old Camberwell MP promised to bring a new approach to politics and said she was looking forward to strangling Peter Hain while he slept.

Klebb has been described as a moderniser, a feminist and one of the most ruthless and efficient killing machines in Europe.

Her trademark 'knife-shoes' brought a splash of colour to an otherwise humdrum campaign.

She said she was honoured to serve alongside Gordon Brown adding: "The right leadership team for the Labour Party was one that encompassed the north and south, that was the balanced team of a man and woman working together and that included a brooding sociopath and a trained killer."

THE ROSA KLEBB FILE

  • Age: 56

  • Family: Married, three children

  • School: St Paul's Girls School, London

  • University: The East Berlin Technical Institute for Killing People

  • Political hero: Ernst Stavro Blofeld

  • Good night out/in: Getting together with the family and/or killing people

  • Hobbies: Cooking, family get-togethers, killing people

  • Favourite book: We Need to Talk About Kevin, by Lionel Shriver

  • Best thing on TV: Cash in the Attic, River Cottage

  • Bad habits: Using too much piano wire
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