‘Sleaze spreadsheet’ is political dynamite, says man who doesn’t recognise single name on it

THE leaked Tory ‘sleaze spreadsheet’ is political dynamite that will bring down the government, according to a man who has not heard of any of them. 

IT technician Tom Booker downloaded the spreadsheet, still unpublished by any British newspaper, and claims to be staggered by the unproven allegations against politicians completely unknown to him.

He said: “Wow. I can’t believe that… Andrew Campbell, it says here… gropes researchers in taxis. This is ground-breaking.

“I’ve tried to communicate the full import of it to my colleagues, I told them this is another Watergate, but they’re just like ‘Huh. Who’s he?’ and ‘Didn’t everybody already know that?’

“Oh my God, I’m so shocked that Brian – Matthews, I think that says? – got a researcher pregnant. Did anyone else just get their mind blown?

“No wait, hang on, I’ve matched them up wrong. He’s the line above.”