The Mash guide to the Labour Manifesto

17-05-17

CRITICS call it ‘the longest passive-aggressive kitchen note to housemates in history’, but what is actually in Labour’s Little Red Book? 

  • Income tax at 45 per cent for earnings between £80,000 and £122,000, 50 per cent for earnings over £123,000, and 97 per cent for earnings between £122,000 and £123,000 a year, just to snare the unwary.
  • Nationalisation of water companies, energy companies, rail services, bus services, online bookmakers, Pret A Manger, Urban Outfitters, Timpson and Google.
  • Brexit, but lovely.
  • Renewing Trident nuclear weapons system and this time parading it round a bit more for everyone to enjoy, perhaps through a big square.
  • Benefits for all, without limit, forever.
  • Reintroduction of grant-funded education to help students cope with rising cost of Jack Wills clothing.
  • Failure to provide full costings for all pledges in move heavily criticised by tabloids, in stark contrast to Brexit which has been costed down to the nearest penny.
  • Vague promises about limiting immigration cut and pasted directly from Conservative manifesto.
  • Remaining 42,000 words cut and pasted directly from Das Kapital.
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