Tories get 100% of funding from people who don't like socialism
THE Tories get all of their money from people who are not hellish keen on left-wing politics, it emerged today.
Research by the sinister sounding Bureau for Investigative Journalism revealed that in 2010 some people who suspected Gordon Brown was going to tax the shit out of them gave money to his opponent instead.
The figures have led to furious accusations that the Tory Party is now in thrall to people who believe in capitalism and free markets.
Shadow chancellor Ed Balls said: “This is a clear attempt by people who do not like socialism to try and stop it from happening.
“This is precisely why we need legislation to end the undue influence on our political system of people who do not want to pay huge amounts of tax and have their businesses run by the likes of me.”
But the row has also led to renewed claims that Labour is being 100% funded by people who believe the government should own everything and that everyone should be exactly the same.
Mr Balls added: “But left wing people are nicer than right wing people. Even a child understands that.”
Meanwhile, despite repeated warnings from experts, the Tory funding revelation has plunged Britain into its latest pathetic, undergraduate debate.
Across the country thousands of dreary morons pointed their fingers and used a series of grating cliches that make you want to push them in front of a privatised train.
Helen Archer, some screechy fucking woman from North London, said: “Fat cats, same old Tories, scratching each others backs, social justice, won’t extend my overdraft or let me remortgage so I can buy a new Golf.”
But Tom Logan, professor of politics at Reading University said: “The thing about the Tory donors is that they think socialism is shit. And it is. Have you tried being Cuban? It’s just awful.
“And anyway, I’m pretty sure Britain was asked to choose between bankers and trade unions last May and it chose bankers. At least those bastards know how to make money.”
A Tory spokesman said: “It’s true, we really like capitalism and free markets and so in that sense yes, we have been bought lock stock and barrel by the people who donate money to us.
“Will I have to go to prison now? I do hope so.”