Tories To Buy Darling A House

THE Conservative Party last night offered to buy chancellor Alistair Darling the home of his dreams.

The Conservatives say Mr Darling would absolutely adore the Cotswolds

Following the pre-budget report, Tory leader David Cameron handed Mr Darling a selection of properties from Savills before ordering each of his MPs to send the chancellor a handwritten thank you letter and a small, tasteful gift that they had put some thought into.

Shadow Treasury minister, Philip Hammond, said: "What about a gorgeous Cotswolds vicarage with an indoor pool? He could have lovely afternoon teas with Liz Hurley and Anne Robinson.

"And we'll even throw in enough cash to offset any inheritance tax that may be due if some Labour MPs in marginal seats decide to throw him in front of a train."

He added: "If only his children weren't grown up. We could have offered to send them to Eton."

Replying to Mr Darling in the Commons, shadow chancellor George Osborne said: "This is a nakedly political exercise designed purely to serve the electoral interests of the Conservative Party."

He then left his place at the despatch box, crossed the chamber and placed his hands firmly on Mr Darling's buttocks before kissing him on the lips and whispering 'you complete me' in his left ear.

In the City of London, bankers initially reacted with horror at Mr Darling's plans for a 50% bonus tax before examining the detail and laughing like maniacs for the rest of the day.

Economist Julian Cook said: "It was fascinating to watch it unfold. By saying that all these things were going to happen he was, in effect, guaranteeing that they were not going to happen

"But of course this is really all about Gordon Brown. He tries to make it look as if he's doing something while at the same time revealing that he's actually doing nothing at all. Like some idiot magician with a confused rabbit on his head."

Meanwhile the prime minister and President Nicolas Sarkozy have proposed a new Anglo-French model for the financial services industry involving desperate incompetence, making everything smell of piss and then taking a seven hour lunch break.