Tories to try and look normal for three days
THE Conservatives will spend the next three days trying desperately to portray themselves as ordinary humans.
As the party gathers in Manchester, delegates have been given special instructions in a bid to prevent the conference descending into the usual freak show.
A spokesman said: “The country is in crisis and people need to somehow be convinced the governing party is not just a collection of pervert sociopaths.
“Therefore the delegates have been asked not to say anything to anyone at any time and John Redwood has been pumped full of temazepam and stuffed into the boot of Ken Clarke’s Audi.”
The delegates have also been asked to be as quiet as possible when they retire to their hotel rooms for their bouts of violent, fancy-dress intercourse.
The spokesman added: “This year everyone wants to do the Angry Bavarian and the Dirty Greek Fisherman.”
But experts stressed that the more the Tories try to be normal the more disturbingly weird they will seem.
Tom Logan, professor of comparative oddballs at Roehampton University, said: “Tories often get pigeon-holed as a specific type of freak, when in fact the party has always been a ‘broad church’ of racists, homophobes and long-fingered, 50 year-old virgins who want to privatise the fire brigade.
“Nevertheless I expect to see Ian Duncan Smith and Teresa May teaching some Tory students how to body-pop, while David Willets will make a reference to Geordie Shore and everyone will pretend to understand it.”
Meanwhile, chancellor George Osborne has kick-started the conference by extending the council tax freeze, meaning the average bill for local services is now just 14,000 years away from being value for money.
Mr Osborne has also promised to reduce unemployment by making it much easier to sack people.
And prime minister David Cameron said the government should make it easier for council tenants to buy their houses if there was the slightest possibility of anyone giving them a mortgage.
Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “It’s a shame because the one thing we need to do right now is give mortgages to people who can’t really afford them.”