Your Daily Mash Guide To Election Night 2007

It's set to be the most historic night in Scottish politics since blah blah blah…. Union in jeopardy…. blah blah…. end of Labour domination….. blah blah…. is Gordon Brewer feeling alright?

Election night on Uist has a festival atmosphere

10pm: The polls close.

10.03: The Poles close.

10.14: Brian Taylor is winched into an upright position.

Bernard Ponsonby steps into his harness.

10.17: It is so on.

10.47: The first result is due from Hamilton South. Labour's Tom McCabe is defending a 6000 majority and is wondering why no-one wants to stand next to him.

11.24: The Edinburgh North and Leith result. Labour's Malcolm Chisholm gets ready to attach his celebratory moustache.

12.05: An MI5 'wet team' is closing in on Alex Salmond.

Under the desk, and with the skill of a master craftsman, Gordon Brewer carefully removes his trousers.

2.04: In the Western Isles, Labour's Alasdair Morrison is sacrificed in scenes horribly reminiscent of the Wicker Man.

3.10: Huge cracks start to appear along the border and a foul smelling ooze consumes several nearby homes.

5.25: Jack McConnell steps briefly from his jacuzzi to freshen his drink.

6.12: Towns and villages torched by marauding soldiers.

7.45am: Council of nobles annoints Bruce Rioch as King of Scotland. Well done everyone.