Twilight crisis triggers emergency UN meeting

MEMBERS of the United Nations met last night to discuss the crisis threatening to engulf the Twilight saga.

This cannot be happening

Allegations of an affair between Kristen Stewart and a film director have left the world’s political leaders┬áreeling.

UN chief Ban Ki-Moon said: “It’s not just that a love has died, but more like the entire concept of love has been destroyed.

“Obviously our thoughts are with R-Patz but what we need to understand is how it might affect Twilight as a whole, to look at the overall Twilight mythos. Will it make it somehow less good, if they’re not together in real life?”

“We cannot rule out the possibility of direct intervention, whether it’s just taking them out for a drink or even welding their hands together so they physically cannot be parted. To my fellow UN members, I would like to say that obviously we are all Twi-hards here, but we must not let fandom colour our response.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron said: “The important thing is not to panic. The two-part film of the final instalment in the saga, Breaking Dawn, is already in the can.

“But that doesn’t mean there couldn’t be another film if this one does well. I certainly will never tire of Edward and Bella’s tortured supernatural romance, however many they decide to do.”

But German leader Angela Merkel said: “No one even likes Twilight any more, it’s all about Hunger Games now. Hunger Games is better.”

Ban Ki-Moon responded angrily, saying: “No it isn’t. Hunger Games is boring.”