News

Drunken mob roaming nation looking for carol service

A MOB of more than 400,000 drunks is staggering around the UK searching for a carol service to bellow at.

Everyone to live an extra six hate-filled years

THE average life expectancy has increased by six bitter, ignorant years since 1990, researchers have found.

Gogglebox family replaced by gibbons

THE producers of Gogglebox have confirmed that the departing Michael family will be replaced with five hooting gibbons.

Establishment planning to bring Russell Brand down with sex scandal

THE security services are planning to discredit Russell Brand by having him caught in an affair with a disreputable young woman.

F**king five-year-old wants f**king iPad for Christmas

A CHILD of five has asked Santa Claus for a f**king £400 iPad in his Christmas stocking.

For future reference, I like sexy vampire movies, says Kim Jong Un

KIM Jong Un has told Hollywood to stick to sexually attractive vampires or he will have everyone killed.

Prescription drugs cause liberal outburst

A COMMITTED racist and homophobe has blamed pain-killing medication for a string of cogent arguments in favour of multi-culturalism and gay rights.

Woman’s arty gift shop is a shrine to pointlessness

THE proprietor of a shop selling tasteful artisan gifts has realised it is all just so f*cking irrelevant.