News

Boat just so pissed off

A POLAR research vessel has admitted it is both disappointed and angry to not be called Boaty McBoatface. 

Rural families don’t want internet, electricity, water or roads, says government

THE government has decided that rural homes do not want broadband internet, electricity, water, sewerage or use of the road network.

People who tell it like it is actually telling it like it isn’t

PEOPLE who express themselves in plain, simple terms are invariably wrong, it has emerged.

Britain realises it can only manage four-day weeks

BRITONS have confirmed that four days of work per week is the most they can be expected to cope with.

Scottish Labour beaten into ninth place by Human Sacrifice Party

THE Labour Party in Scotland has finished ninth behind a party promising more human sacrifices.

Commuters delighted at train delays for actual reason

LONDON commuters delayed for hours by a fire on the tracks at Vauxhall are thrilled that there is a genuine reason for once.

Lobsters mental

EVERYONE should take a moment to consider how mental lobsters are, according to experts.

Man launches failed attempt to do something that is not the pub

A SUNSHINE-INSPIRED attempt to do a social activity not involving the pub immediately died on its arse, it has emerged.