News

John Lewis like a wrathful god

THE omnipotent John Lewis has descended from the heavens to stop customers taking the piss with free cakes.

Dawkins now just telling random strangers why he hates them

RICHARD Dawkins has taken to walking down the street saying horrible, unprovoked things to total strangers.

Chris Martin’s dad a bit too keen on Jennifer Lawrence

THE father of Coldplay’s Chris Martin keeps asking when he’s going to bring his new girlfriend home.

Middle classes ask if they can stop shopping at Aldi now

THE middle class shoppers who switched to budget supermarkets have wondered if they can switch back soon.

Swans to replace Trident

AGGRESSIVE swans like those terrorising tourists on the river Cam are to replace Britain’s nuclear arsenal.

Woman’s hair has too much attitude

A 25-YEAR-OLD woman’s punk-influenced hair has been verbally abusing her family.

All female characters now ludicrously hard

EVERY female character in TV and film is now exceptionally determined and hard as nails.

Single people forced to join families

UNMARRIED people are to be forced into strangers' family homes as long-lost aunts or uncles, the government has announced.