News

We know ten per cent is bugger all, customers tell shops

SHOPPERS have told retailers that a ten per cent discount is worthless so they may as well stop pretending otherwise.

Health experts somehow come up with perfectly reasonable idea

PUTTING a calorie count on alcohol labels is not annoying or patronising, it has emerged.

Pumpkin carving is the new dick size, say men

EXPERTLY carving a Halloween pumpkin is the new way to demonstrate your virility, men have confirmed.

High-earning bastard sick of everyone presuming he has good side

A SUCCESSFUL City banker has asked everyone to stop suggesting he secretly has a heart of gold.

Parents delighted as son’s creative dreams die

THE parents of 25-year-old Nathan Muir are celebrating their son’s decision to abandon his band for a job in a bank.

Met Office computer predicts weather and builds robot soldiers

THE Met Office has built a new supercomputer that can detect bad weather and send robots back in time to stop it.

Single man’s housework routine is applying to Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners

43-YEAR-OLD Tom Booker’s cleaning regime is repeatedly applying to a TV series where strangers come and sort it out.

McDonald’s unveils ‘at least it’s not a f**king gourmet burger’ slogan

BURGER chain McDonald’s has a new slogan emphasising that at least its product is unpretentious.