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ONE IN FIVE DESCENDED FROM BASTARD CHILDREN OF SCULLERY MAIDS
16-03-10

ImageMILLIONS of Britons are descended from the bastard offspring of aristocrat-defiled domestic drudges, it was claimed yesterday.

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BALLS CONDEMNS EXPERT FOR KNOWING STUFF
16-03-10

ImageED Balls has condemned children's commissioner Dr Maggie Atkinson for using her years of professional experience in forming an opinion.

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JACKSON ESTATE WON'T SPEND IT ALL ON GIRAFFES THIS TIME
16-03-10

ImageTHE estate of Michael Jackson has signed a record breaking contract and vowed not to spend it all on funfairs, hush money and giraffes.

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HELLISH JOURNEY TO JOB YOU DESPISE TO COST MORE MONEY THAN EVER
16-03-10

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THE horrific, soul-destroying journey you make every morning to the job that makes you want to die will soon cost a record breaking amount of money.

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TEENAGE BOYS TO BE TAUGHT HOW TO STOP YANKING AT IT FOR FIVE MINUTES
15-03-10

ImageTEENAGE boys are to be given lessons in how to release the vice-like grip on their penises for five minutes and get some sleep.

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TORTURE-PORN THEME PARK INSUFFICIENTLY CRUEL FOR UK CHILDREN
12-03-10

ImageA THEME park inspired by the graphic cruelty of 'torture porn' horror films is too mild for most British children, it was claimed yesterday.

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PINK FLOYD FORCE YOU TO LISTEN TO THE BAD BITS
12-03-10

ImageTEDIOUS prog rockers Pink Floyd have won their legal bid to make you listen to every last bit of their ghastly albums.

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NO BAN ON TEACHERS WHO WATCH GREY'S ANATOMY
12-03-10

ImageTEACHERS who watch the offensive US medical drama Grey's Anatomy will not be banned from the classroom, the government has confirmed.

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