the dailymash

Guardian-reading teacher suspended for tedious Facebook timeline

A TEACHER has been suspended after using her Facebook Timeline to expose pupils to the minutiae of her Guardian reading habits.

Drug lords back watered-down booze

PLANS to dilute alcoholic drinks have won the enthusiastic support of Britain's heroin kingpins.

'Buildings' only hope against cold

BRITAIN'S only hope for surviving the arctic conditions rests in weather-proof structures known as 'buildings', experts have claimed.

Hester claims RBS office full of asbestos and tigers

RBS chief executive Stephen Hester has claimed his job is full of hidden dangers that could kill him.

"Sorry, did you say 'mind-weapons'?” everyone asks Royal Society

SCIENTISTS have been asked to confirm that they definitely said they could make brainguns and if so, when.

Madonna becomes new face of Tena Lady

AFTER a near perfect performance at the Super Bowl on Sunday, Madonna has been unveiled as the new brand ambassador for feminine leakage pads.

Refusing to have fun now a sackable offence

TOUGH new policies on workplace fun will make enjoyment of group activities non-negotiable, it has emerged.

Queen to be bombarded with lower middle class music

BRITAIN will pay tribute to the Queen by standing outside her house and bombarding her with music she finds ghastly.