News
Oil Well Capped Before Everyone Realises It's Their Fault
THE ruptured oil pipe in the Gulf of Mexico has been capped just minutes before everyone realised it had all been their fault.
NHS Hospitals 'Better Than Being Homeless', Claims Lunatic
SPENDING the night in an NHS hospital is better than living on the street, according to Britain's most demented vagrant.
Office Workers Finally Switch To Crack
AN IMMUNITY to caffeine has led to a growing number of office workers switching to crack, according to new research.
Some People Still Think Cheryl Cole Is Real, Says TV Watchdog
THOUSANDS of television viewers still believe that Cheryl Cole is not a
special effect created in a damp bedroom, it emerged last night.
Cheese Rollers Defy Ban On Rural Stereotypes
GLOUCESTERSHIRE'S 'cheese rollers' have defied a health and safety order to show the world they are still drunken inbred maniacs.
Britain To Make Its Own Booze From Leftover KFC And Pizza Crusts
BRITAIN has vowed to beat any alcohol price hike by distilling its own
booze from junk food leftovers.
Two Years Not Enough To Grow Stupid Hair, Say Students
TWO-year degrees would give students insufficient time to grow stupid, pretentious beards it was claimed last night.
Israel Just Making It Easier For Guardian Readers To Look Good
ISRAEL'S attack on a Palestinian aid ship will make it easier for Guardian readers to sound as if they know what they are talking about, it was claimed last night.
