the dailymash

The Patronising Of Susan Boyle Goes Global

QUIRKY Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle is set to be patronised all over the world, it emerged last night.

NHS To Fund Paddy Field Birthing Pools

THE National Health service is to step-up its drive to encourage home births with the introduction of more than 300 Vietnam-style delivery ponds.

Ofcom Launches Nipple Probe

OFCOM, the broadcasting watchdog, is to launch a full-scale inquiry into televised nipples, it emerged last night.

Official: Your Life Is Worthless

YOUR identity, your achievements and everything that is you is now worth less than a bag of funsize Mars Bars, according to a new report.

Police To Target The Hippies With Video Cameras

POLICE officers on crowd control duty have been ordered to give priority beatings to anyone holding a video camera.

All Adverts Must Be Filled With Lies, Says Watchdog

ALL advertising must be filled with blatant, insulting lies from start to finish, the industry watchdog has ruled.

Teachers Can Get 10% Pay Rise When Children Are 10% Less Stupid And Awful, Says Everyone

TEACHERS should be entitled to a 10% pay rise when the children they teach become 10% less moronic and unbearable, according to a new survey.

The Recession Has Gonorrhea, Claims Downing Street

THE recession has a sexually transmitted disease that it has been covering up for years, Downing Street sources have claimed.