the dailymash

I can destroy you, Moira Stewart tells self-assessment taxpayers

MOIRA Stewart, the all-seeing God of Tax, has warned of great suffering for those self-employed workers whose forms displease her.

'The real victims of phone hacking are the people who loathe John Prescott'

THE forgotten victims of the phone hacking scandal are the millions who would love to see John Prescott living under a bridge, it was claimed today.

Doctors to strike over ban on urine extraction

DOCTORS are to strike after the government banned their right to continually demand urine from their patients.

Italian cruise captain rode moped and pinched arses on sinking ship

THE captain of the Costa Concordia abandoned his post to buzz around the deck on a Vespa sexually harassing female passengers, it has emerged.

Thanks, but we have enough money, say tube drivers

UNDERGROUND train drivers have rejected an offer of some extra money for no reason, because they are fine.

Cameron attacks Argentina's half-arsed colonialism

DAVID Cameron has offered to show Argentina how to swagger around in someone else's country properly.

McDonald's introduces 'Bring Your Bassist to Work Day'

STAFF at McDonald's have enjoyed their first Bring Your Favourite Britpop Bassist to Work Day.

The Mashipedia Emergency Fact Service

WITH Wikipedia laid low by chronic indignation, the Daily Mash has unselfishly stepped into the breach with a list of today's Top Ten Must-Have facts.