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ONE IN FOUR TEENS PRETENDING TO BE DEPRESSED

ONE in four teenagers is in a really bad place right now which is making them, like, incredibly sad and stuff, a new study reveals. 
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NEW UNIFORM WILL TURN MY LIFE AROUND, SAYS TEARFUL McDONALD'S WORKER

A NEW designer uniform is going to generate the most amazing improvement in overall quality of life, grateful McDonald's workers said last night. 
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SYSTEM NO LONGER WORKS, CONFIRMS UN

THE socio-economic system which has governed much of the globe for over a century finally stopped working at around 9pm last night, the United Nations has confirmed.
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Opinion

'I WAS THERE'

Christopher Walken remembers the 1982 World Snooker Championships

DIDDLY-dee! diddily-dee! That’s the sound the wheels on a train make – diddly-dee! diddly-dee! I hate that noise, I hate it almost as much as I do Adam Sandler movies, so I pulled the emergency chord above my head, bringing the 12.57 from King’s Cross to Sheffield, shuddering to a halt.
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