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WONKA FACTORY 'FULL OF RATS'

WILLY WONKA has been fined £75,000 after rats were discovered inside his magical chocolate factory.
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CONTROLLED EXPLOSIONS LINKED TO INSURANCE SCAM

DOZENS of cars blown-up across the UK in the wake of the failed terror attacks are part of an elaborate insurance scam, the Daily Mash has learned.
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MacASKILL BRINGS MINI POPPADOMS TO 'COBRA' MEETING

MILLIONS of Scots slept easier in their beds last night as justice secretary Kenny MacAskill took full control of the nation's security. 
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Opinion

'I WAS THERE'

Christopher Walken remembers the 1982 World Snooker Championships

DIDDLY-dee! diddily-dee! That’s the sound the wheels on a train make – diddly-dee! diddly-dee! I hate that noise, I hate it almost as much as I do Adam Sandler movies, so I pulled the emergency chord above my head, bringing the 12.57 from King’s Cross to Sheffield, shuddering to a halt.
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