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IT'S WAR!!! SALMOND BUILDS 400 MILE BRIDGE TO ATTACK DUTCH

ALEX Salmond is to cancel plans for an Edinburgh tram system and use the money to build a 400 mile bridge from Scotland to Amsterdam.
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BIG BROTHER UNVEILS 'ALL IDIOT' HOUSE

THE latest series of Big Brother kicked off last night with the unveiling of a house made up exclusively of idiots and half-wits.
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GOD TELLS BRITNEY TO SOD OFF

GOD last night said he would pretend to be out after troubled singer Britney Spears revealed she “could not wait to meet Him”. 
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Opinion

'I WAS THERE'

Christopher Walken remembers the 1982 World Snooker Championships

DIDDLY-dee! diddily-dee! That’s the sound the wheels on a train make – diddly-dee! diddly-dee! I hate that noise, I hate it almost as much as I do Adam Sandler movies, so I pulled the emergency chord above my head, bringing the 12.57 from King’s Cross to Sheffield, shuddering to a halt.
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