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ENGLAND EXPECTS SCOTLAND TO PUT OUT

ENGLAND has now spent so much money on Scotland that it is expecting some 'fairly spectacular sex', it was claimed last night.

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MONA LISA WAS EATING A SAUSAGE

LEONARDO da Vinci’s Mona Lisa was eating a sausage, a new digital scan of the famous painting has revealed.

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TERMINATOR WAS SO GAY, REVEALS SCHWARZENEGGER

THE indestructible robot assassin from the future, portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, was tormented by his sexuality and the lost love of his youth, it has been revealed.

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Opinion

ONE WOMAN'S WEEK: ONE GIANT LEAP FOR CHERYL

By Karen Fenessey

I THINK it's great America has taken a small step for man by electing a black president. But amidst all the hilarity, I must ask: when will enough be enough? How far do white folks have to go to convince the world we're sorry about slavery? And meanwhile, what about the compelling racial saga taking place right here on our own doorstep: Cheryl Cole's legendary heroics on the X Factor.

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