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'MY TATE CRACK HELL'

A TOURIST who spent 53 hours trapped inside the huge crack in the floor of the Tate Gallery has described the moment he knew he wanted to die.

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EVERYONE IN PUBLIC LIFE NOW AN UNTRUSTWORTHY BASTARD

ALL people in positions of responsibility are untrustworthy pieces of shit who have made it their life's mission to shaft you, according to new research.

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DIANA INQUEST: JURY INSPECTS TOILET WHERE PRINCESS HAD FINAL MOVEMENT

THE Diana inquest jury was last night taken to the bathroom of the Ritz Hotel in Paris to see where the Princess enjoyed her final bowel movement.

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Opinion

ONE WOMAN'S WEEK: ONE GIANT LEAP FOR CHERYL

By Karen Fenessey

I THINK it's great America has taken a small step for man by electing a black president. But amidst all the hilarity, I must ask: when will enough be enough? How far do white folks have to go to convince the world we're sorry about slavery? And meanwhile, what about the compelling racial saga taking place right here on our own doorstep: Cheryl Cole's legendary heroics on the X Factor.

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