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CHRIS MARTIN TO WRITE SONG ABOUT TITS

COLDPLAY frontman Chris Martin has delighted his army of fans by confirming he is to write a song all about tits.

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INTERNET TO SHUT FOR HALF-DAY ON WEDNESDAYS

THE internet is to start closing for a half day on Wednesday afternoons to give it time to sit down and have a nice cup of tea, it announced yesterday. 

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SCOTS DEMAND HUGE INCREASE IN GLOBAL WARMING

A MAJORITY of Scots are backing a total reliance on fossil fuels in a bid to deliver up to three months of t-shirt weather every year.

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Opinion

GUEST BLOG: NOEL GALLAGHER

THE Olympics - what the fuck was that all about? Every morning, right, that Scottish bird off the telly would sit on a sofa telling us that we'd won a bronze medal in the women’s catapult and that everyone could now go to work with a big smile on their face - in retrospect I think she somehow mistook me for somebody who gives a fuck.

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