News

Cyclists handed yet another reason to think they’re better than you

THE news that cycling cuts the risk of cancer by half has given cyclists another reason to be insufferably smug, it has emerged.

Friend selfishly having birthday drinks in his bit of London

A FRIEND is celebrating his birthday near his flat in Stoke Newington, despite it being miles from where everyone else lives.

Mathematical equations still best way to sell shampoo

COMPLICATED mathematical equations requiring viewers to work out how many people equal 78 per cent of 237 remain the best way to sell shampoo, say experts.

Idiotic multi-billionaire assumes Tories care about foreigners

AN idiotic American billionaire has assumed the Tories care about the fate of people in the developing world.

Man deeply disillusioned with state of world may just be hungry

A 27-YEAR-OLD man is either in profound despair over the chaos, injustice and insanity of the world today, or just hungry.

£70k a year nothing, factory workers agree

A GROUP of Burnley factory workers have agreed that nobody on £70,000 a year can really be considered ‘rich’.

May rules out TV debate because her voters only like the wireless

THERESA May has ruled out a TV debate because the voters she wants to reach have the wireless on with their cup of tea.

Young voters urged to make inane, idiotic voices heard

VOTERS aged 18 to 24 have been told to make sure to cast their moronic, misguided votes in the general election.