BAFTAs completely f**k up by not giving everything to Paddington 2

THE Baftas have rendered themselves invalid by failing to give every possible award to the best film ever made, Paddington 2. 

Man who has never given to charity thinks Oxfam scandal proves he was right to be such a tight arse

A MAN who has never donated money to charity has been proven right by the Oxfam sex scandal, he has confirmed.

Men in public toilet only washing hands because someone's looking

TWO men in a public toilet have each had to make a big display of washing their hands just because there was someone else there.

People who say 'there's no such thing as bad weather just bad clothing' wrong

EXPENSIVE technical wear has turned mild-mannered ramblers into delusional maniacs unable to tell the difference between good and bad, it has been confirmed.

Woman plans agreeable weekend reading lovely big book about shagging

A WOMAN has unveiled plans to spend a delightful weekend curled up in an armchair reading a massive book about shagging.

Club night ruined by comparing drink cost to Asda

A COUPLE’S evening out at a nightclub was ruined because they could not buy a drink without thinking what the same money would buy at Asda.

Man absolutely livid about news he’s made up

A MAN is regularly furious about news stories that he has invented himself based on a misapprehension of the facts, it has emerged.

Man discovers toilet roll fairy is not real

A MAN who assumed a magical fairy had been changing the toilet roll was stunned to discover she does not exist.