News

Easter eggs about a tenth the size you remember, confirm experts

MODERN Easter eggs are barely two disappointing mouthfuls, adults have complained.

Sunny weather fills local park with dickheads

THE recent sunny weather has lead to a sharp increase in dickheads going to the park.

City trader who works 18 hours a day thinks he's 'a winner'

A MAN who works in a high level city job and gets four hours sleep a night considers his life a success.

Airport pubs hailed as best bit of going on holiday

BEING able to get legitimately drunk at 7am is the best part of going abroad, it has been confirmed.

Man expects praise for not being a misogynist

A MAN thinks he deserves recognition and respect for not being an obvious misogynist.

Middle-aged friends instantly regret buying festival tickets

SEVERAL middle-aged friends are regretting buying tickets to a festival this summer.

John Lewis has no idea what 'Never knowingly undersold' means

NOBODY at John Lewis knows what its long-standing slogan is supposed to mean, it has been confirmed.

Daily Mail ordered to pay damages to anyone who has ever read it

THE Daily Mail has been ordered to pay damages to readers for exposing them to decades of demented tripe.