Woman confuses ‘feminism’ with ‘talking about herself a lot’

A WOMAN believes feminism is about endlessly discussing her problems from a vaguely female perspective.

Ex-girlfriend knows exactly what she’s missing, thanks

A WOMAN whose ex-boyfriend asserts she ‘doesn’t know what she’s missing’ is actually entirely aware of what she is missing and could not be happier.

The NME remembered, by various wankers

YESTERDAY the New Musical Express announced it was scrapping its print edition after 66 years. We asked various bellends to share their memories of the legendary publication.

Meghan Markle baptised in blood of 400,000 lizards

THE blood of more than 400,000 lizards has cascaded over Meghan Markle on the altar of an underground church to make her Royal forever.

England team at no risk of poison or qualifying for second round, promises Putin

VLADIMIR Putin has promised that the England squad will be safe from both poison attacks and the second-round at this summer’s World Cup.

Moderate Saudi prince to pardon female hit and run victims

PRINCE Muhammad of Saudi Arabia was praised by the international community after pledging to release more than 20 percent of his country's female hit and run victims.

‘Sexy’ baths never, ever sexy

GETTING into a tub of tepid water with another human being always results in  disappointment, a couple have confirmed.

Fantastic co-worker uses ‘amazeballs’ and ‘interweb’ in same sentence

A MIDDLE manager who says 'interweb' instead of 'internet' is a joy to work with, it has been confirmed.